So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. Isaiah 41:10

A couple of months ago, I came across a quote that said, “I hope you heal so deeply that you no longer feel the need to make sense of what happened.” It resonated so deeply with me because I realized that it had been such a long time since I felt the need to make sense of the darkest season of my own life. Jesus had, in His ardent love for me, healed me so completely that my trust in His will had surpassed my desire to have all of the answers.

Starting in 2018, I experienced several years of the deepest heartbreak I have ever experienced. In that season, my stepchildren, who had lived with us for 12 years, decided they wanted to move in with their mom almost 900 miles away, we learned that one of our children had experienced trauma at the hands of someone we trusted completely, and we lost my mom to COVID. I feel like I can’t appropriately put into words the depth of our pain. The days would alternate between despair, numbness, anxiety, and confusion. None of what we were enduring made any sense to us at all. We had made every effort to be good parents, provided a loving home and raised our children in the Word of God. This was not part of our plan for our family. Our faith was shaken, not because we didn’t know that God was in control, but because we knew He was. He had chosen in His sovereignty this path for us to walk. But WHY? WHY? WHY? For years, I begged Jesus for clarity, and for just a glimpse into what His big plan was for all of this pain. I just could not make sense of anything.

During this time of struggle, He never left me, even when I was angry with Him. In the worst of times, when I couldn’t pick myself off the floor, I felt His solid foundation under me. In the moments that I couldn’t breathe, He filled my lungs with air. In the instances that I felt like I was falling apart, He held me together. I was angry with Him, and He was actively sanctifying me. Even in the mystery of the circumstances, He was revealing Himself to me in ways He never had before. Day by day, He restored me and put back the fractured pieces of my heart in a new way. It was so consistent and gentle that one day, without realizing it, I just stopped needing the answers and only needed Him. Today, I still don’t completely understand, and I am ok with that because I TRUST His good and perfect plan for my family. I trust His word.

2 Corinthians 4:8-9 says “We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed.”

Even in the confusion of our pain, we can stand on this promise. He will not allow our trials to destroy us. He is with us in all things and is our greatest comfort during these times.

Psalm 147:3 says “He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.“

We can cling to the promises in His word that He is working all things out for our good, even when what He ordains is good for us does not feel good at all.

Isaiah 55:8-9 says “For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, “declares the Lord. “As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts.”

Romans 8:28 says ”And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to his purpose.”

Psalm 145:17 says “The Lord is righteous in all his ways and faithful in all he does.”

In many ways, I have learned that our hardest seasons are not just to glorify Him and to sanctify us, but to prepare us for the good work He has appointed for us to do. Our trials lead to our testimony.

2 Corinthians 1:3-4 says “Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God.”

A few weeks back, I came across something that reminded me of the pain of that season, and with it, a fresh new wave of sadness. The wounds that Jesus had been so faithfully healing seemed to open up a little bit. I started to feel discouraged about the idea that I had gone backward. I laid this at the Lord’s feet during worship the next day, and I was gently reminded that even this was part of His will. Sometimes, He opens up these spaces in our hearts because there is still more to be done in cleaning those ugly places out. I was also reminded of the thorn in Paul’s side that we learn about in 2 Corinthians. His pain was part of his testimony, and his righteousness prevailed despite it for the glory of God. My heartbreak may never completely go away, for me or my family, but I can trust in His goodness and love as He builds out each of our testimonies. To Him be the glory in all of it.

Ardently His,

Jenifer

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