“Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves” (Philippians 2:3)

I walked briskly through the house. I was overcome with frustration for no tangible reason. My face was set firm, jaws clenched. I didn’t want to be here doing all these things. I didn’t want to have to drive the twenty miles to the next town to pick up teenagers. I didn’t want to wash the multiple loads of everyone else’s laundry that was waiting for me. I didn’t want to cook dinner knowing I wasn’t even going to be eating it. I didn’t want to wash the dishes dirtied up by everyone else. I didn’t want to face anyone else’s random clutter or lack of picking up after themselves. I just didn’t want to do any of the day’s tasks at hand. My heart was hardening with resentful thoughts of a more exciting time in my life. A time when I was fun. A time when I got to dress up for work. A time when I communicated with adults all day long. A time when my daily work was appreciated and respected. A time when my schedule was important and wasn’t dictated by everyone else’s schedule in my home. A time that seems so far away…

My heart was set on the past. My heart was set on my own desires.

I was ruminating on how unhappy I felt.

I was glorifying a past season, wishing it back to my current reality…a reality that has produced much daily difficulty for me.

As a believer in Jesus Christ—I know how dangerous these thoughts are. It’s times like these when I can sense the urgency in the Apostle Peter’s warnings to us penned in 1 Peter 5:8, “Be sober-minded; be watchful. Your adversary the devil prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour.”

I’m not one to give much credit to our enemy—Satan. But, I also know how cunning and charming his slick tricks can be as the Bible describes him as an, “angel of light” (2 Cor. 11:14).

I was not being sober-minded (thinking clearly), I was not being watchful as I gave into my emotions.

As I marinated in my self-made pit of pity, I could sense the conviction from the Holy Spirit. I could sense the beckoning to surrender and praise my Lord in the midst of my darkened state. But I didn’t.

I continued in my less than satisfactory mood. I continued in my thoughts of a glorious previous season when I felt as if I were more in control of my days. I thought I could just hide my darkness for this one evening. I had a plan to just remain dutiful to the tasks at hand, but that was all I could give. I was tapped out mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. I decided I had nothing to give my family other than a hot dinner and clean clothes that evening. I didn’t feel I had the capacity to nurture in any way.

As I walked through the house—determined to complete my next chore—my oldest daughter looked up from where she sat with her Bible and a study book she’d been going through with a mentor and friend. For months now, prior to their meeting, she has asked me to go over the chapter and verses with her so she can feel more prepared for her time with her mentor. I knew they were meeting within the next hour. I had already made my mind up that I just couldn’t today. I didn’t want to converse deeply. I didn’t really even want to read the Bible more than my daily reading plan. I didn’t want to dive into the end of the chapter questions in the study they were doing. I didn’t want to be vulnerable in answering the questions to help her. I didn’t want to.

Her eyes met mine as I walked by. My heart was softened. I knew I couldn’t ignore the desperation in her face. I casually asked if she was good this time, or did she need me to go over it with her. She answered with, “can you please go over it with me?”

I may have been in a funk—but there was no way I could tell her no. So down I sat, Bible open and dove into the end of the chapter questions…

Disciplines of a Godly Woman, Chapter 13—Discipline of Nurturing

As soon as I read the chapter title, my flesh and pride rose to war to justify my foul aura and moody demeanor. My flesh wasn’t ready to surrender. I toxically wanted to stay in my self-centeredness for just a little longer. Why do we do this? Or maybe I’m the only one. Deep down, I want to honor the Lord in every area. I truly do. But I fail, over and over.

As we went through the chapter together, studying scripture and answering questions, my soul was overwhelmed with the goodness of my God. Once again, in His sovereignty and providence He didn’t leave me in my darkened state. He ordered me to sit, dig into His Word, and nurture my daughter while He lovingly corrected the attitude of my heart.

What a gift His discipline is. Solomon writes in Proverbs 3:11-12, “My son, do not despise the Lord’s discipline or be weary of his reproof, for the Lord reproves him whom he loves, as a father the son in whom he delights.”

Though the Lord corrected the posture of my heart, and I left our study time in repentance, I was still drained. I still felt as if I lacked energy to be fully present for my family. At this time my son asked if I could drop him of at the local YMCA so he could play basketball with his friends. Less than an hour later I received a text from him asking if I could pick him up early. He said he twisted his ankle and it was swelling. So, across town I go. To make a long story short—we ended up in the Emergency Room until 10 p.m.

Here I was hours earlier—brewing in self-centeredness—marveling at my past with rose-colored glasses—allowing resentfulness to seep into my thoughts—claiming I had no energy to do anything for anyone around me—emotionally and spiritually avoiding surrendering to the Holy Spirit—classifying my role as nurturer in my home as unimportant and unappreciated— to sitting in an emergency room with my teenage son and my youngest daughter laughing and joking as we waited for the doctor.

As I sat there, I marveled at the work the Lord did in my hardened heart in a matter of hours. He brought me back to reality. He revealed that He has me right where I’m supposed to be—nurturing my children—loving and serving those around me. Even when I feel I lack the energy to do so, I know I can trust that the Lord will strengthen me for the work He has ordered me to. He is calling me to righteousness by His Holy Spirit living on the inside of me. He wills for me to be saturated in His Holiness, not my mere happiness that fades, withers, and feeds off self.

I want to end with an imperative passage of scripture written by the Apostle Paul and Timothy to the Saints at Philippi that is an overwhelming encouragement to my daily walk as a believer,

“So if there is any encouragement in Christ, any comfort from love, any participation in the Spirit, any affection and sympathy, complete my joy by being of the same mind, having the same love, being in full accord and of one mind. Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others. Have this mind among yourselves, which is yours in Christ Jesus, who, though he was in the form of God, did not count equality with God a thing to be grasped, but emptied himself, by taking the form of a servant, being born in the likeness of men. And being found in human form, he humbled himself by becoming obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross. Therefore God has highly exalted him and bestowed on him the name that is above every name, so that at the name of Jesus every knee should bow, in heaven and on earth and under the earth, and every tongue confess that Jesus Christ is Lord, to the glory of God the Father” (Philippians 2:1-11).

Ardently His,

Jess